Customer Care

The Customer Care Rep I don’t know you, but I already hate you. Don’t get us wrong its not any fault of yours. Just as a person is smart and people are morons, that is where the hate comes from. And here is some news we don’t appreciate your business and wish you would go to hell. The brief contact that one person can have with another, in our case 490 seconds. In case you did not realize it that is the amount of time that we have to take your call find out what you are whining about and eject you from the phone. Don’t worry you are not the only one, I take an average of 60 calls a day, some times 100, lets just call it 60. We work 247 days a year, lets average this... 60 * 247 = 14820 calls in a year * 400 seconds = 5928000 seconds, (lets divide that by 120 to bring it to hours) = 49,400 hours a year spent on the phone with people just like you! You may think that your problem is special; I assure you it is not. Most problems a tenured care rep has fixed within the first 35 seconds of the call. If that same rep stops to argue with you be assured that you are wrong. We know our jobs 14820 calls a year do not forget. And yet you whine, you cry when you do not get your credit, you try and sway, us you try and make us care, remember the first line of this manifesto. The truth is there!

Do you take time away from your work to assist someone that you hate with some thing that they did to themselves? No, you are the average American you spit on them push them kill them hang them enslave them. Do you help them apply credit for them? Its your country, you built it we just enforce the rules that you built for yourselves. Do you feel like you are getting conned? Don’t worry that’s just business as usual. Have you ever been lied to? Point blank lied to, so someone could get their own way? You know we notate everything, if you don’t know now you do. We notate everything in some cases (if you sound like an exceptional ass) every word, we know what happened on Dec 2 of 2003. You cannot lie to us. In addition to which even if its not notated you should do your homework, before you lie to us. If the item or service you want did not exist you could never have been offered it.

How should you deal with us?

It’s very easy:

1. Be respectful, we are not your subordinates we are not a lower form of life and in most cases we are the only thing standing between you and what you want. And we have ALL the power that you think we do.

2. Don’t Yell/Scream, if you feel the need to yell or scream take it out on someone who cares? We don’t listen to it we don’t care refer to line one. Don’t call us in a bad angry mood, go masturbate or something then call us back.

3. Don’t masturbate, do whatever you want when you are off the phone. Don’t spank it while you are on the phone with us, that is just sick. And happens way too often.

4. Proper English. Axe != Ask, speak clearly and concisely.

5. Suck up. The fact of the matter is, in most cases, you screwed up, which means that I am under absolutely no obligation to do anything. In most cases if it is reasonable I will do something, but it’s still my call 100% so if you yell/scream/name call, I will say no. Not because I can’t do anything, but because you have not inspired me to help you.

6. Avoid the following phrase "you people". Has anyone used this phrase on you? Consider this part of Respect, and remember we know who you are and where you live. At any point in time I have access to you SSN your address your bank account numbers your credit card numbers I even know when you were born!

7. Have a pen and paper ready. I mean really.

8. Don’t swear. If you swear you are in twice as much trouble, we will actually go out of our way to make your life hell.

Conclusion

Once again it is not you that we don’t want to like you, and that is the loophole. If you treat us well if you are nice / respectful to us as an individual (we usually hate the company we work for as much as you) we will bend over backwards for you we will generally go above and beyond what we should be doing for you. If we say we cannot do something at this point we generally cannot.